How You F-Up Love Language

Jodian's Blog

So, I was in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) advice column on Reddit and one thing I noticed was almost every post talked about Love Languages. Every single one was saying that their needs weren't being fulfilled, and giving an example of what they wanted from their significant other (SO). I finally had enough of these whiny people and wrote how badly their thinking was sabotaging their own relationships. I think I did such a great job explaining it that I figured I'd save that here for posterity sake. As a note, this topic goes both ways, but it was advice written to a woman from my (a man's) perspective, so you'll see a lot of "do this for him" in it.

I'm gonna take a minute here cause I often see everyone referencing "love languages" as if they're Gods gift to the human race. Yes, these are certainly a thing, but in my opinion that book has done more damage than good. It has the effect of putting people into a "My love language is {This} so my partner better do {That}" mindset. A demanding mindset. This is an unhealthy way of thinking because it doesn't reward the action, as it should, but instead punishes the inaction.

Say you are someone who likes morning texts. You'd like to receive them from your SO. How you DON'T want to go about it is telling your SO that you like morning texts so he/she should send you one every day. This puts you into a demanding mindset, and makes the task come across as a chore to them. You aren't going to feel loved when you receive the text and they aren't going to likely receive appreciation from you for sending it. Nobody wins. AND if they ever miss a morning you'll feel neglected, and that will become your chief focus.

How you should actually go about it is by showing appreciation and affection. Wait for him to send you a morning text or two and then simply say, "I love getting morning texts from you". It's now in his mind that you like morning texts. I'm not going to say he'll send you a text every morning, and you shouldn't go expecting that. Just that when he does, appreciate it. Realize that he went out of his way and interrupted his routine so he could send you a "Good morning". Being appreciative, you'll find it'll make a huge difference in how the texts make you feel and he might even start sending them more frequently. You'll also find that your "love language" cup fills up a lot faster when you receive something without the expectation that it should be happening in the first place.

Let me put it another way with two different situations;

Situation 1: You're living together and you're about to go out. He's sitting there watching a sport that he likes on TV. Before you go out, you tell him you want the bathroom cleaned before you get home. You get home and he's cleaned the bathroom. How does that make you feel? Probably pretty neutral, right? I mean, he should help out around the house anyway. In fact, you were probably driving home going "He better have that bathroom cleaned", weren't you?

Situation 2: You're living together and you're about to go out. He's sitting there watching a sport that he likes on TV. While you're out he takes the initiative. He leaves the couch and cleans that bathroom from top to bottom. You come home and he's sitting on the couch. Naturally you're thinking he hasn't moved from the couch, right? Then you walk into that clean bathroom. Now, how does THAT make you feel? Probably pretty darn happy, right? You'd probably even thank him.

Now I can already hear women going, "He wouldn't do it if I didn't tell him to". Ya know what? You're probably right. When it comes to cleaning initiative it's likely going to be a rare thing. That's not what the explanation was about. It was about the way you FELT when it happened. If it was spontaneous, instead of demanded, it felt much more special and magical. Of course, this all swings us back around to the texting situation.

If you weren't in a demanding mindset over wanting those texts every morning, then every time he sends you that "good morning" text it would feel special. Even if he only did it once or twice a week, it would be enough. To enter into evidence... I tell my SO how beautiful she is at least once a week, and it makes her swoon every time. She doesn't demand it. She doesn't expect it. It's not on a schedule. So when it happens it's special and thus fills her cup. That's the difference between a demanding mindset and an appreciative mindset.

Here's another thing, and it goes into the way men are wired to think. When I receive that appreciation from her? It makes me feel good, and makes me want to keep doing it. THAT fills MY cup. If she demanded it, I'd likely do it a lot less. At that point it'd be a job or a chore and not something special. She wouldn't feel loved, I wouldn't feel appreciated, and neither of us would benefit. While you have your needs to fill, so does he, and he's not going to fill your cup if his is going empty along the way.

The happiest couples and happiest households I've ever seen are the households where the couples appreciate each other. Appreciation goes a long way to triggering initiative. It doesn't matter what love language you subscribe to. Every time someone is appreciated for something, it makes them feel good. That's how our minds are wired. That's the trick to being happy. Appreciating it when it comes instead of setting up a pre-requirement for it to happen. You wanna talk love languages? You wanna talk about how to get your fill and more?

Physical Touch: Show appreciation for that spank on the butt or snuggle in close and sigh deeply when he holds you. Make him feel that his every touch is magical to you. Swoon if he gives you a massage, no matter how good it was. Let him know how much you love it when he holds your hand while walking or rests his hand on yours while driving. Let him know how much you enjoy it when he's kissing your lips, or when he kisses your neck, or whatever.

Quality Time: Tell him how much you love watching movies with him, or going on walks with him, or how happy it makes you feel that he takes time out of his day to be with you. Let him know that those moments together are special to you and that you love and appreciate him for doing it.

Acts of Service: Appreciate everything he does, regardless if you feel it should have been done or not. Thank him for helping you clean. Thank him for cleaning the dinner table. Thank him for taking the kids to sports practice. If he shows initiative, praise him for it. Show how much you love having him on your team and in your life.

Receiving Gifts: Be thrilled at every gift he gets you, no matter what it is, because it likely came from the heart. Appreciate the little things, even if it's a 25 cent gumball out of a gumball machine. Thank him for taking you out to dinner, or to a show, and show a lot of appreciation if he paid for everything. Thank him for bringing you a coffee at work and make a big deal out of it so he'll do it again.

Words of Affirmation: If you've done everything else then these should come automatically, but if they don't it's simple. Show appreciation every time you receive affirmation. You'd be amazed how far a "thank you love", followed by a kiss, goes to getting you that next affirmation sooner.

In short; If you appreciate what you're given, and he feels that appreciation, he'll be much more likely to give you more of the love you're looking for... (unless he's just an asshole)


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